Wholphin

Wholphin Alum Derek Waters (see “The Pity Card” on Issue 2) has a show coming to HBO. It’s part of the new series, “Funny or Die presents”. It’s a show that will feature a bunch of different performers that have all made little shows, and Derek’s is called, “Derek Waters presents LOL. Presents for everyone!” And yes, he is as shocked as you are that they are actually letting him call the show that.

Here’s some more info about the show:

After a long week, a discerning entertainment consumer like yourself needs something different. Something irreverent, something fresh, something young and cutting-edge, like yourself. ”Funny or Die Presents” is a weekly program, hosted by HBO on Friday nights. We’ve worked hard to make something unexpected and top-notch, springing forth from creative minds like Tim and Eric, Zach Galifianakis, Will Ferrell , Andrea Savage, Derek Waters, Mike O’Connell, Rob Huebel, and dozens more.

See Funny or Die Presents every Friday at midnight on HBO, starting February 19th.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymfYYbsRIM0

And a preview of Drunk History:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSm9du4IbZQ

OK, first off, I’m no scuttlebutt. If you want the super chill on Spike’s
Absolut / CAA party last night, talk to Bill Murray. Suffice it to say I
wasn’t the guy passed out and drooling on himself in the corner. But before I get too sleep deprived and incoherent, I just want to say I feel really good about my romantic prospects here this year. I think this is the year I find true love. You might think, from the past 10 issues of Wholphin, that I am only capable of loving squid and other sea creatures, but that’s not true. I am capable of falling in love with humans and this year I am falling in love with six of them, namely the Sundance Shorts Programmers.

I’m on the jury so I can’t talk specifics, but 2010 is shaping up to be one of the better curated festivals I’ve been to. Perhaps some film school zombies out there still see shorts as a temporary way station on the glorious road to being offered “Alvin and The Chipmunk’s Bavarian Vacation, “Wir Suchen Eine Nutcrackers!” …But if you view short film as a calling card, you’d better understand that the criteria for what that means has changed drastically in the last few years. The emphasis has shifted from “short” to “film.” And we’re seeing films here. Serious and amazing and hilarious and freaking heartbreaking films directed by serious and amazing directors. Many of them aren’t cheap, and many of them aren’t even short, they’re just “differently lengthed.”

Shorts are being screened in larger theaters this year and the screenings have been justifiably packed. At the opening night premier of Shorts Program One, Bob himself introduced the program and made it clear this was truly an “opening night premier” in the festival sense, a sign that differently-lengthed films are on increasingly equal footing with their extended counterparts. Bob attributed the new heightened profile and interest to the advent of mobile technology and reduced attention spans, but the fact is people are just making better movies.

And the fact that people are obviously interested in watching great motion pictures at whatever length is proof that in this business, length, the right length, is everything.

And my god. The mango gazpacho hors d’oeuvres were slurpier than the girl ???????????? (redacted by the Wholphin legal staff) was drunkenly making out with last night! Play on players!

You know that feeling when you get on a plane and realize, as the steward is shutting the doors and everyone is on board, that you are about to be graced with that increasingly rare experience of an empty seat next to you?

It’s amazing.

It’s like escaping from a kidnapping. You feel like you’re getting a brief
reprieve from this fucked up degrading cattle car of an air transportation
system we have been forced to endure for years in the enduringly American
name of “shut up if you can’t afford better.”

It’s exciting. Like a Jersey Shore cat fight.

Except that, right as you plop your special polygamy issue of National
Geographic on the seat, you suddenly see a big, sweaty, overweight Homer
barge on and come lumbering down the isle. Suddenly, you’re right back in
the kidnapper’s house about to be touched. And boy does he touch. He
squeezes in next to you like a banana being smooshed back into its peel and he’s not just sweaty, he’s wet, like he just ran all the way from home. And now he’s shared his smooshy wetness with your arm. But you don’t have time to care about that because he immediately starts spreading his legs, rapidly opening and closing them in this manic compulsive nervous rhythm, bumping into you each time without noticing or caring.

Bump bump bump bump.

You think, because you are disgusting, Jesus, he must be trying to air out
his sweaty fellas. God, where do these people come from? His head is in his
hands and he’s breathing heavy, like he’s in the midst of a pteromerhanophobic panic. Either that or he’s suffering from a low grade
Parkinson’s. Oh no. What if none of this is his fault and he’s just
suffering from an involuntary movement disorder and can’t help his incessant legs bumping which also makes him sweaty and late for planes? Oh what a jerk you have been for rudely accusing him of airing his sweaty fellas.

Or not.

You decide to give him a dirty look, yes that’s what you’ll do, a big “Yo,
what the hell, dude?” frowney face to let him know that knee bumps, even
from people with involuntary movement disorders, are not cool. So you take a second to prepare, and then right as you look up at him, that’s when he throws up into his mouth.

Bingo! He’s an independent filmmaker. Strap up, we’re off to Sundance!